![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Finding You: Sleeping With Heero
Sep. 1st, 2005 06:48 pmTitle: Finding You: Sleeping With Heero (The Beginning/The Middle/The End)
Author: BleedtoBlue
Genre: GW Fanfiction
Pairing: 1x2, 3x4 implied, 5xR, HxOC
Warning: R for m/m, implied sex, GW AU
Disclaimer: I make no profit nor do I own Gundam Wing anything. Damn.
A/N: Written for Dacia and her plot bunny Finding You. Dacia has so much to answer for....
Betaed by the fabulous Marasmine (thank you!) All errors are mine.
(Finding You)
Sleeping With Heero
The Beginning
My head hurt. My head hurt a lot and I remembered why, at least I remembered part of it. The part about drinking in a bar, drinking a great deal actually. I remembered a pair of deep blue eyes. Now I was awake and lying in a bed that wasn't mine. The bed was firm, the sheets cool and comfortable, and entirely unfamiliar. I thought about opening my eyes but the light was too bright.
I stretched a little and discovered a sort of generalized ache; an ache and a warm body next to mine. A warm naked body that was hard and ... My eyes flew open and I looked right into the deepest blue eyes I'd ever seen. Deep blue eyes with laugh lines crinkling around the edges and long black lashes and ... Oh. My. God. A man's eyes, in a man's face, a naked man's body, and I was naked, too.
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard; my mouth was dry and closing my eyes didn't make the naked body next to mine go away. I took a deep breath, he smelled good, too.
What had I done? What had we done? Did I want to know?
"Good morning." A deep voice rolled over me and the next question was asked with a touch of laughter. "How are you feeling? You had a little too much to drink last night."
"...."
I was apparently incapable of speech, coherent or otherwise. I opened my eyes, he was still there. I grabbed the sheets and pulled them up to my chin and stared. He had dark, messy hair and golden skin with no discernable tan line that I could see, and he was undoubtedly a man.
The eyes narrowed a bit. "Are you okay; you look a little freaked out?" He reached out as if to touch my braid that lay pooled between us, but then drew his hand back.
How to answer? Yes, I'm freaked out because I've never woken up with a naked man before? Yes, I'm freaked out because I don't have a clue who you are or what we did last night? And some strange memories were beginning to surface, memories of a hard, smooth body moving over mine, of warm lips on my mouth, and those rich blue eyes looking down into mine. I squinched my eyes shut to make the visions go away. It was my imagination, the product of too much alcohol.
"Who are you?" I managed to squeeze out. Whoever he was he smelled good, like expensive shampoo and aftershave; spicy and masculine.
"Heero. I'm Heero...don't you remember last night?" He looked amused.
"Not exactly. What did we do?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could in the cirucumstances, not at all sure I wanted to know the answer.
Heero grinned in reply and said, "Nothing you didn't want to do." I was glad I remembered that men don't faint because they find themselves in new and surprising situations.
"I have a fiancé." I replied weakly, he raised an eyebrow and grinned. Oh, shit. I had had a fiancé. I suddenly remembered what precipitated the drinking binge that had gone so wrong. "I had a fiancé" I amended faintly.
"Sorry, man." He replied in a rueful voice. "Want to tell me about it?"
"We had a fight. She kicked me out of our apartment and broke off the engagement." I thought I should feel.. .worse somehow about the engagement rather than the apartment but I was more worried about where I'd stay. The only friend I could stay with wasn't going to be very welcoming now that he was living with my (former) fiancé... shit. Could things get any worse? The answer was yes -- there was a large, warm hand traveling up my thigh. Blue Eyes was grinning at me.
"Hey, none of that," I said, as I moved away from his hand and wrapped the sheet around me which had the unfortunate effect of uncovering even more of Heero's body. He was, well if I had been interested in men I'd have said he was gorgeous. Lean and hard muscled.. and...let's just say he'd never feel inadequate in the locker room or anywhere else and leave it at that. Had I...had he? I thought that's exactly what I remembered had happened; I remembered kissing someone and I remembered liking it. I took another deep breath and wondered if I was going to hyperventilate.
"I don't know what happened last night...exactly." I began and as Heero opened his mouth to answer I hurried on to forestall getting any more hard-to-process information. "I can guess and well, I've never done that before." My voice sort of tapered off as Heero's eyes widened and twinkled in amusement then narrowed in concern.
"You certainly didn't act like you'd never done it before. You're a great kisser." His eyes were so blue as they looked right into mine. Okay, we'd kissed, I could handle that.
"I meant, I've never done...kissed...not with a man..." I breathed and Heero looked contemplative then puzzled, then something else all together as I finished. "I mean, I'm not gay."
"You're not out." Heero corrected, almost a question.
"No, I mean, I mean, I like women, I'm not gay." I said rather lamely. Heero's expression became difficult to read.
"You were in a gay bar and you came on to me." Heero stated and he looked almost regretful. "You said you'd had a fight with your roommate and didn't have a place to stay. You asked if you could come home with me." He grinned now, "You said I was cute. Nobody's called me cute in a long time."
"I'm sorry, man. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry." I finished my apology and got out of bed looking for my clothes, still wrapped in the sheet. Heero lay on the bed without a stitch on, looking completely comfortable, seemingly unaware of how attractive he was. I swallowed, I hadn't really thought that had I?
"So, did we?" I wasn't sure if I really remembered what I thought I remembered. "Um, I kissed you? And what else?" Heero didn't answer, he just looked smug. It left me wondering if my memories were of Heero and last night or just my imagination...and why would I imagine that?
I had never been attracted to a man; I'd always been sort of not interested in sex at all. Relena, my fiancé, had complained about my low sex drive. Relena complained about a lot of things; my job (too unusual,) my hair (too long,) my choice of friends (too odd,) well except for Wufei (look what that led to,) and our 'physical relationship.' Wasn't there more to a relationship than the physical? I had asked her.
Heero suddenly sat up, casually watching me sort through the pile of clothes on the floor for mine and asked, "You don't have a place to live, is that why you were out drowning your sorrows last night?"
"Well, that and my fiancé broke it off. But yeah, my friend moved in with her. I'm guessing we aren't even friends anymore and no, I don't have a place to go but I'll find something." I answered as cheerfully as I could manage.
"You could stay here," Heero said suddenly. "I have an extra room. I could use a roommate." Heero spoke with complete sincerity. "I like you, I like you a lot even aside from the kissing." I was trying to remember that guys didn't blush as Heero continued. "But the room is yours if you want it, no strings attached, just two guys sharing an apartment."
"No, thanks. That's really kind of you, but I'll find a place." At least that's what I thought. Heero got dressed in a sinfully tight pair of jeans that were frayed and worn through enough in spots to show skin. He made coffee and toast for me, but I turned down his offer of breakfast, then left to pick up my stuff from the apartment super, and a paper to look for apartments. Several hours later I had come to a realization about life.
Life sucks. Nothing about the day turned out as well as waking up that morning, which tells you how badly it went. Everything I had in the world filled the duffle and a gym bag in my hands. There were no apartments to be had in the city that I could afford and the only person I knew in the world that was in town or had room for me was a strange man that I'd (sort of) slept with the night before. It was dark when I found myself back on Heero's doorstep with my finger hovering over the buzzer. I thought hard for a moment, then pushed, regretting it almost before it finished ringing.
"Who is it?" I heard Heero's smooth voice over the intercom. I thought about walking away; I didn't know this guy, he seemed like a decent sort, but there was last night to consider. Had anything really happened? I was still unsure, but I was running out of options, I needed a place to stay.
I stood there thinking what a stupid idea this had been. He couldn't really have meant his offer; he was only dealing with the nutcase he found in his bed. But he had said he liked me...then again there was that kissing business. Had I liked it, too? The intercom came to life in a burst of static as Heero asked, "Duo, is that you?"
"Hey, Heero." I answered rather weakly. "That offer still open?"
The buzzer sounded, "Come on up." Heero said. And as I pushed through the door I thought that maybe I'd found a friend.
[ The Middle ]
I didn’t have a headache but I woke up puzzled about where I was, it had been months since the morning I woke up naked next to Heero and a lot had happened since then, my life had changed. I was in bed but not in my bed and the warm body snuggled close with an arm draped over me was very familiar but not my girlfriend, Hilde; not a girl at all.
I breathed in, a scent of man and aftershave and something indefinable that could only be Heero. I tried pushing him away but he only snuggled closer. At least we weren’t naked this time and I remembered exactly what had happened the night before. We’d had a huge fight. The argument was over sleeping arrangements, I'd offered to sleep with Heero and he'd turned me down, well that's sort of how it went.
Heero’s oldest friends Quatre and Trowa were coming to the city for a few days to see Heero. They normally stayed with Heero, but I was living in his spare room. Quatre and Trowas were staying in a hotel and I knew Heero felt badly about it, but not as badly as me. Heero had been so good to me and I wanted to make it up to him, hence my offer to give my room to Heero's friends.
“Heero, they are your oldest friends. You can’t make them stay in a hotel.” Heero only growled in response.
“When Howard needed a place to stay you didn’t mind. Why is it different for your friends? " I asked knowing what he was going to say. Howard was the uncle who'd raised me after my folks died and to Heero that made Howard special. In Heero's book nothing was too good for Howard.
“Howard slept in your bed and you slept on the sofa. I’m not sleeping on the sofa for a week. Trowa and Quatre would be upset about it and feel uncomfortable, like they were intruding.” Heero told me in no uncertain terms, but I'd learned how to deal with Heero issuing orders.
“I can stay with Hilde.” I offered. “Trowa and Quatre can have my room, it’s not a big deal.”
It was a big deal but Heero didn’t need to know that. If he hadn’t let me move in he’d have had plenty of room for his friends. It was the least I could do for Heero, I could stand Dorothy for a few days. Really, I could. Just because she had a tongue like a rapier and hated my guts was no need to avoid her. I think she was jealous of me and Hilde, not that I’d ever suggest such a thing to her.
“No, Duo, you aren’t getting kicked out so that my friends can stay here. They’ll get a hotel room.” Heero was adamant, maybe he knew more about Dorothy than I thought. Not that he liked Hilde all that much, either. He never seemed to think my girlfriends were quite good enough, but Hilde was the first one that had stood up to Heero.
Heero wouldn’t hear of my leaving and staying with Hilde or sleeping on the sofa, and I wasn’t all that anxious to spend time with Doro, so in the end to keep peace and preserve my sanity I’d said, “Then Trowa and Quatre can have my room and I’ll sleep with you.”
Heero’s expression told me it hadn’t come out quite right. I was giving up my room for Heero’s friends and sleeping in Heero’s bed. It wasn’t like Heero was going to do anything though he'd made it clear how he felt about me. Heero was my friend and I trusted him absolutely. I wasn’t so sure about what Hilde might do, she wasn't going to be happy and that must have been on Heero’s mind, too.
"I mean, I can sleep in your room, and your friends can take my room." Heero's bed was bigger, anyway. Maybe it wasn't a good idea all things considered, but I'd already made the offer and going back on it now would seem like I didn't trust Heero. "Or yourself," that odd little voice that popped into my head at peculiar moments added.
“What’s Hilde going to say?” Heero asked in a curious tone.
Hilde hadn’t been at all bothered about Heero being gay until Dorothy and her evil mind had insinuated herself into Hilde’s apartment and life. Then things had come to a head. Dorothy had pointed out that not only was Heero gay, but had implied that Heero wanted to be more than my friend. Hilde suddenly had someplace to lay the blame for my reluctance to commit.
That it happened to be true was none of anyone else's business, that was between Heero and me. Heero was honest about it and too honorable to ever act on it. We were good friends; people could be friends even if one of them was in love with the other.
Heero had boyfriends, saw other people; he wasn't a stalker or pining away from unrequited love. He'd just made it clear that he felt something for me. For my part I loved Heero as a friend. The best friend I'd ever had, and I didn't want to lose that.
I’m pretty sure Dorothy had designs on Hilde but oddly enough it didn’t make me jealous. I’m a secure kind of guy or maybe, the little voice had whispered, maybe you don't really care all that much. It didn't matter how Heero felt, we were friends and no more. Hilde needed to learn to live with it. And I told Heero so.
“Hilde needs to stop listening to Doro and Doro needs to mind her own business.” I replied. I’d feel lots more comfortable with Heero than knowing Dorothy was in the same apartment while I was sleeping. If looks could kill I’d have been dead a long time ago, I was beginning to think Dorothy might not stop at glaring. The girl had a collection of swords and her hobby was fencing.
“Doesn’t Hilde think that Dorothy’s attitude is, well, odd for a roommate?” Heero asked. I didn’t remind him that Dorothy had said the same thing about him. I thought Hilde's problem began before Dorothy moved in.
Hilde had wanted me to move in with her, Hilde wanted to live together or get married; I wasn't ready for that. I'd told her I couldn't abandon Heero, he'd been going through a bad break-up at the time and Hilde had made some rude remarks about Heero. Heero and I had words about his boyfriend at the time, he wasn't good enough for Heero, and I hadn't been shy about saying so. Hilde took offense at that, too. But I couldn't leave Heero on his own when he needed me. He'd been there for me when I was just a stranger who needed a place to stay. Heero had become my friend, my best friend.
She'd apologized, but after Dorothy moved in I found I was rethinking my relationship with Hilde. Being friends had been great, but then Hilde wanted more than I was prepared to give. I blamed it on Relena making me shy of commitment and Hilde blamed it on Heero. Heero was simply the best friend I'd ever had. Hilde didn't seem to understand you didn't just abandon a friend and you did things for your friend when he needed you.
I was determined that Heero's friends would stay with us because I couldn't treat Heero's friends any different than I would treat Howard.
So, I'd won the argument about sharing Heero's room and bed while giving mine to his friends. I seemed to have lost the battle for bed space though. Who knew Heero was a secret cuddler? I lay there with Heero's arms wrapped around me, feeling the warmth of his body against mine, enjoying the comfort of a friend's closeness.
Heero mumbled in his sleep and pulled me closer, more firmly against him, my head resting against his chest. He folded me in his arms and relaxed, and so did I. I knew I should move but I started thinking how different if felt to be held in Heero's arms instead of holding someone. I felt safe, secure, and cared for; that little voice in my head said it was too bad that holding Hilde hadn't made me feel like that. I breathed in the distinct smell of Heero, felt his warmth, and went back to sleep. When I woke up Heero was gone and I missed the warmth and closeness.
[ The End ]
I woke up not to a warm naked body, but a wild eyed Hilde demanding that I "pick one, Duo!"
I rolled out of bed and headed for the kitchen to get some coffee, hopefully it would help me think, Hilde trailing along behind me asking questions and talking non-stop. Waking up with a cuddly Heero was a much better option than waking up to a hysterical Hilde. However Heero was asleep in his own room and Hilde was right here in the kitchen with me.
"Duo, are you paying attention?" Hilde was waving two pieces of paper in front of my face. "It's important Duo, which one?"
Hilde was sounding a little shrill. I'd learned that planning a wedding does that to people. If I never saw another invitation, or color swatch, or was never asked what I thought about the menu for the wedding dinner I would die a happy man. Getting married was a lot of trouble and I wanted no part of it, but it was too late.
Heero was laughing silently as he peered around the door and watched. He looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, his hair was tousled more than usual, and he wore nothing but a pair of pajama bottoms that were hanging dangerously low on his slender hips. I may have been a bit distracted.
"Duo!" Hilde demanded. "You have to help me decide. I'm a desperate woman!"
"Sorry, Hilde." I answered, "I'm not really any good at this, you should ask Heero." Heero smirked at me and disappeared, my last glimpse of him was even more distracting, the pajama pants were succumbing to the pull of gravity.
"It's your job, Duo. You are not taking your responsibility seriously!" Hilde said.
"Hilde, I've picked out colors, looked at flowers, helped you register for gifts, what more do you want?" I asked in an exasperated voice.
"Still love me?" Hilde asked in a little girl voice. Heero, I decided, was a huge coward for leaving me alone with Hilde. He'd say it was the better part of valor, knowing when to make himself scarce.
"Yes," I sighed, touching my forehead to Hilde's in a gesture of surrender. "I still love you. Haven't I proved it with everything I've done?"
"Duo, you'll be there, standing next to me, walking down the aisle with me? I need you, you're my best friend." Hilde whined a little. "You know I'll be there for you." Hilde loved dropping hints but I'd already decided it wasn't something that would ever happen to me.
"Yes, Hilde, I'll be there. I wouldn't abandon you ever, for anything." If Heero had been there he'd have rolled his eyes, but he was very understanding about the whole Hilde/wedding thing. There it was again, I needed Heero's approval, wanted his support and understanding. I needed Heero.
So Hilde was getting married and I, being the best friend, was also the man of honor/giver away of the bride. Now that we weren't dating or involved my relationship with Hilde was a wonderful thing and she was a terrific friend. Except for her impulse to fix me up.
It was worse than blind dates and introducing me to her girl friends. Hilde had decided that I'd already found my one true love and that it was Heero. The fact that Heero was a guy didn't seem to factor into things for Hilde. Of course sometimes I wondered how much it really bothered me.
Take, for example, my morning fascination with Heero's pajama pants and their slow, delicious descent downward. It made me ponder our relationship and just what I needed and wanted from Heero. There was also the case of my favorite pair of jeans, they were old, ripped, faded and so tight that they showed off a great deal of Heero. Sometimes I found myself hoping that today would be the day they lost the battle to stay together. I knew that some people would think I'd stepped across the boundaries of friendship, right into...something more.
Then there's the way Heero acts. Heero is an affectionate guy, with all his friends, an arm around your waist or over your shoulder. Watching movies sitting side by side on the couch or with Heero's feet in my lap is commonplace. Heero hugs his friends when he's happy or when he thinks they need cheering up. Heero kisses me hello and good bye and even though I know how he feels about me, it seems like a natural gesture not some attempt on Heero's part to seduce me. I like it and sometimes I wonder if I don't want it to be more.
When we have overnight guests they take my room and I sleep with Heero, even though I know I'm going to wake up with Heero wrapped around me. When I wake him up he just smiles and hugs me before he rolls away and goes back to sleep. Just like waking up in Heero's bed that first time, it seemed natural and okay not like I'd done something terrible that I should regret.
Okay, I still don't know for sure what happened and Heero just smiles a secret smile guaranteed to make me crazy when I ask. The most he's ever said was that I asked to come home with him, that I was a great kisser, and the enigmatic "nothing happened that you didn't want to happen."
You'd think I'd be happy not to know if we made love that first night, wouldn't you? At the time I thought I was sure we hadn't and thought I was sure I didn't want to know if we had.
Lately, well lately, I've been wondering what it would be like. Heero is my friend, but more than that because suddenly I can't imagine my life without him. And suddenly, I'm thinking about it because Heero has a new boyfriend, someone special and good enough for Heero and obviously in love with Heero. I'm not sure how Heero feels about him, but why wouldn't he be in love with him? After all, he can't wait around forever for someone who can never love him as more than a friend.
So yes, I've been thinking about what all this means. Do I love Heero even though he's a man? The answer to that is yes. Am I in love with Heero, do I want Heero? I think the answer to that is yes, too.
When Hilde finally left I followed Heero into his bedroom. The very distracting pajama pants were lying across his bed and I could hear the sound of the shower running. For some reason the pajama pants weren't nearly as interesting without Heero inside them. The sound of the shower and the thought of Heero sans pajamas, all wet and slick in the shower made me swallow hard. Suddenly I knew I wanted an answer to my question.
The shower cut off and Heero appeared in the doorway with a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked different somehow. It might have been the feral smile that appeared on his face when he saw me standing by his bed considering his pajamas. Heero walked over and stood close enough that I could see small drops of water sliding down his smooth skin, across his chest, and down the flat planes of his stomach.
"Did you want something, Duo?" Heero's voice sounded dark and full of promises.
A faint "yes" was all I could manage and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his mouth as he spoke.
"What did you want?" Heero purred.
"I want to know.." my voice trailed off.
"Know what, Duo?" Heero reached up to trace the line of my jaw with one damp finger, it made me shiver.
"What we did, what happened that first night." I managed to get out.
Heero moved closer yet, his body pressing against mine, his arms encircling me. "I could tell you," He paused. "Or I could show you?" He asked, but we both knew the answer now.
I stopped worrying about Heero's new boyfriend as Heero wrapped his arms around me and his mouth found mine. I suddenly had the answers to lots of my questions. It didn't matter what had happened that first night, all that mattered was that I'd found Heero, and that I planned on ending up in his bed for good. And I planned on remembering everything this time.
You know what? Heero is a pretty good kisser, too.
(end)
Author: BleedtoBlue
Genre: GW Fanfiction
Pairing: 1x2, 3x4 implied, 5xR, HxOC
Warning: R for m/m, implied sex, GW AU
Disclaimer: I make no profit nor do I own Gundam Wing anything. Damn.
A/N: Written for Dacia and her plot bunny Finding You. Dacia has so much to answer for....
Betaed by the fabulous Marasmine (thank you!) All errors are mine.
(Finding You)
Sleeping With Heero
The Beginning
My head hurt. My head hurt a lot and I remembered why, at least I remembered part of it. The part about drinking in a bar, drinking a great deal actually. I remembered a pair of deep blue eyes. Now I was awake and lying in a bed that wasn't mine. The bed was firm, the sheets cool and comfortable, and entirely unfamiliar. I thought about opening my eyes but the light was too bright.
I stretched a little and discovered a sort of generalized ache; an ache and a warm body next to mine. A warm naked body that was hard and ... My eyes flew open and I looked right into the deepest blue eyes I'd ever seen. Deep blue eyes with laugh lines crinkling around the edges and long black lashes and ... Oh. My. God. A man's eyes, in a man's face, a naked man's body, and I was naked, too.
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard; my mouth was dry and closing my eyes didn't make the naked body next to mine go away. I took a deep breath, he smelled good, too.
What had I done? What had we done? Did I want to know?
"Good morning." A deep voice rolled over me and the next question was asked with a touch of laughter. "How are you feeling? You had a little too much to drink last night."
"...."
I was apparently incapable of speech, coherent or otherwise. I opened my eyes, he was still there. I grabbed the sheets and pulled them up to my chin and stared. He had dark, messy hair and golden skin with no discernable tan line that I could see, and he was undoubtedly a man.
The eyes narrowed a bit. "Are you okay; you look a little freaked out?" He reached out as if to touch my braid that lay pooled between us, but then drew his hand back.
How to answer? Yes, I'm freaked out because I've never woken up with a naked man before? Yes, I'm freaked out because I don't have a clue who you are or what we did last night? And some strange memories were beginning to surface, memories of a hard, smooth body moving over mine, of warm lips on my mouth, and those rich blue eyes looking down into mine. I squinched my eyes shut to make the visions go away. It was my imagination, the product of too much alcohol.
"Who are you?" I managed to squeeze out. Whoever he was he smelled good, like expensive shampoo and aftershave; spicy and masculine.
"Heero. I'm Heero...don't you remember last night?" He looked amused.
"Not exactly. What did we do?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could in the cirucumstances, not at all sure I wanted to know the answer.
Heero grinned in reply and said, "Nothing you didn't want to do." I was glad I remembered that men don't faint because they find themselves in new and surprising situations.
"I have a fiancé." I replied weakly, he raised an eyebrow and grinned. Oh, shit. I had had a fiancé. I suddenly remembered what precipitated the drinking binge that had gone so wrong. "I had a fiancé" I amended faintly.
"Sorry, man." He replied in a rueful voice. "Want to tell me about it?"
"We had a fight. She kicked me out of our apartment and broke off the engagement." I thought I should feel.. .worse somehow about the engagement rather than the apartment but I was more worried about where I'd stay. The only friend I could stay with wasn't going to be very welcoming now that he was living with my (former) fiancé... shit. Could things get any worse? The answer was yes -- there was a large, warm hand traveling up my thigh. Blue Eyes was grinning at me.
"Hey, none of that," I said, as I moved away from his hand and wrapped the sheet around me which had the unfortunate effect of uncovering even more of Heero's body. He was, well if I had been interested in men I'd have said he was gorgeous. Lean and hard muscled.. and...let's just say he'd never feel inadequate in the locker room or anywhere else and leave it at that. Had I...had he? I thought that's exactly what I remembered had happened; I remembered kissing someone and I remembered liking it. I took another deep breath and wondered if I was going to hyperventilate.
"I don't know what happened last night...exactly." I began and as Heero opened his mouth to answer I hurried on to forestall getting any more hard-to-process information. "I can guess and well, I've never done that before." My voice sort of tapered off as Heero's eyes widened and twinkled in amusement then narrowed in concern.
"You certainly didn't act like you'd never done it before. You're a great kisser." His eyes were so blue as they looked right into mine. Okay, we'd kissed, I could handle that.
"I meant, I've never done...kissed...not with a man..." I breathed and Heero looked contemplative then puzzled, then something else all together as I finished. "I mean, I'm not gay."
"You're not out." Heero corrected, almost a question.
"No, I mean, I mean, I like women, I'm not gay." I said rather lamely. Heero's expression became difficult to read.
"You were in a gay bar and you came on to me." Heero stated and he looked almost regretful. "You said you'd had a fight with your roommate and didn't have a place to stay. You asked if you could come home with me." He grinned now, "You said I was cute. Nobody's called me cute in a long time."
"I'm sorry, man. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry." I finished my apology and got out of bed looking for my clothes, still wrapped in the sheet. Heero lay on the bed without a stitch on, looking completely comfortable, seemingly unaware of how attractive he was. I swallowed, I hadn't really thought that had I?
"So, did we?" I wasn't sure if I really remembered what I thought I remembered. "Um, I kissed you? And what else?" Heero didn't answer, he just looked smug. It left me wondering if my memories were of Heero and last night or just my imagination...and why would I imagine that?
I had never been attracted to a man; I'd always been sort of not interested in sex at all. Relena, my fiancé, had complained about my low sex drive. Relena complained about a lot of things; my job (too unusual,) my hair (too long,) my choice of friends (too odd,) well except for Wufei (look what that led to,) and our 'physical relationship.' Wasn't there more to a relationship than the physical? I had asked her.
Heero suddenly sat up, casually watching me sort through the pile of clothes on the floor for mine and asked, "You don't have a place to live, is that why you were out drowning your sorrows last night?"
"Well, that and my fiancé broke it off. But yeah, my friend moved in with her. I'm guessing we aren't even friends anymore and no, I don't have a place to go but I'll find something." I answered as cheerfully as I could manage.
"You could stay here," Heero said suddenly. "I have an extra room. I could use a roommate." Heero spoke with complete sincerity. "I like you, I like you a lot even aside from the kissing." I was trying to remember that guys didn't blush as Heero continued. "But the room is yours if you want it, no strings attached, just two guys sharing an apartment."
"No, thanks. That's really kind of you, but I'll find a place." At least that's what I thought. Heero got dressed in a sinfully tight pair of jeans that were frayed and worn through enough in spots to show skin. He made coffee and toast for me, but I turned down his offer of breakfast, then left to pick up my stuff from the apartment super, and a paper to look for apartments. Several hours later I had come to a realization about life.
Life sucks. Nothing about the day turned out as well as waking up that morning, which tells you how badly it went. Everything I had in the world filled the duffle and a gym bag in my hands. There were no apartments to be had in the city that I could afford and the only person I knew in the world that was in town or had room for me was a strange man that I'd (sort of) slept with the night before. It was dark when I found myself back on Heero's doorstep with my finger hovering over the buzzer. I thought hard for a moment, then pushed, regretting it almost before it finished ringing.
"Who is it?" I heard Heero's smooth voice over the intercom. I thought about walking away; I didn't know this guy, he seemed like a decent sort, but there was last night to consider. Had anything really happened? I was still unsure, but I was running out of options, I needed a place to stay.
I stood there thinking what a stupid idea this had been. He couldn't really have meant his offer; he was only dealing with the nutcase he found in his bed. But he had said he liked me...then again there was that kissing business. Had I liked it, too? The intercom came to life in a burst of static as Heero asked, "Duo, is that you?"
"Hey, Heero." I answered rather weakly. "That offer still open?"
The buzzer sounded, "Come on up." Heero said. And as I pushed through the door I thought that maybe I'd found a friend.
[ The Middle ]
I didn’t have a headache but I woke up puzzled about where I was, it had been months since the morning I woke up naked next to Heero and a lot had happened since then, my life had changed. I was in bed but not in my bed and the warm body snuggled close with an arm draped over me was very familiar but not my girlfriend, Hilde; not a girl at all.
I breathed in, a scent of man and aftershave and something indefinable that could only be Heero. I tried pushing him away but he only snuggled closer. At least we weren’t naked this time and I remembered exactly what had happened the night before. We’d had a huge fight. The argument was over sleeping arrangements, I'd offered to sleep with Heero and he'd turned me down, well that's sort of how it went.
Heero’s oldest friends Quatre and Trowa were coming to the city for a few days to see Heero. They normally stayed with Heero, but I was living in his spare room. Quatre and Trowas were staying in a hotel and I knew Heero felt badly about it, but not as badly as me. Heero had been so good to me and I wanted to make it up to him, hence my offer to give my room to Heero's friends.
“Heero, they are your oldest friends. You can’t make them stay in a hotel.” Heero only growled in response.
“When Howard needed a place to stay you didn’t mind. Why is it different for your friends? " I asked knowing what he was going to say. Howard was the uncle who'd raised me after my folks died and to Heero that made Howard special. In Heero's book nothing was too good for Howard.
“Howard slept in your bed and you slept on the sofa. I’m not sleeping on the sofa for a week. Trowa and Quatre would be upset about it and feel uncomfortable, like they were intruding.” Heero told me in no uncertain terms, but I'd learned how to deal with Heero issuing orders.
“I can stay with Hilde.” I offered. “Trowa and Quatre can have my room, it’s not a big deal.”
It was a big deal but Heero didn’t need to know that. If he hadn’t let me move in he’d have had plenty of room for his friends. It was the least I could do for Heero, I could stand Dorothy for a few days. Really, I could. Just because she had a tongue like a rapier and hated my guts was no need to avoid her. I think she was jealous of me and Hilde, not that I’d ever suggest such a thing to her.
“No, Duo, you aren’t getting kicked out so that my friends can stay here. They’ll get a hotel room.” Heero was adamant, maybe he knew more about Dorothy than I thought. Not that he liked Hilde all that much, either. He never seemed to think my girlfriends were quite good enough, but Hilde was the first one that had stood up to Heero.
Heero wouldn’t hear of my leaving and staying with Hilde or sleeping on the sofa, and I wasn’t all that anxious to spend time with Doro, so in the end to keep peace and preserve my sanity I’d said, “Then Trowa and Quatre can have my room and I’ll sleep with you.”
Heero’s expression told me it hadn’t come out quite right. I was giving up my room for Heero’s friends and sleeping in Heero’s bed. It wasn’t like Heero was going to do anything though he'd made it clear how he felt about me. Heero was my friend and I trusted him absolutely. I wasn’t so sure about what Hilde might do, she wasn't going to be happy and that must have been on Heero’s mind, too.
"I mean, I can sleep in your room, and your friends can take my room." Heero's bed was bigger, anyway. Maybe it wasn't a good idea all things considered, but I'd already made the offer and going back on it now would seem like I didn't trust Heero. "Or yourself," that odd little voice that popped into my head at peculiar moments added.
“What’s Hilde going to say?” Heero asked in a curious tone.
Hilde hadn’t been at all bothered about Heero being gay until Dorothy and her evil mind had insinuated herself into Hilde’s apartment and life. Then things had come to a head. Dorothy had pointed out that not only was Heero gay, but had implied that Heero wanted to be more than my friend. Hilde suddenly had someplace to lay the blame for my reluctance to commit.
That it happened to be true was none of anyone else's business, that was between Heero and me. Heero was honest about it and too honorable to ever act on it. We were good friends; people could be friends even if one of them was in love with the other.
Heero had boyfriends, saw other people; he wasn't a stalker or pining away from unrequited love. He'd just made it clear that he felt something for me. For my part I loved Heero as a friend. The best friend I'd ever had, and I didn't want to lose that.
I’m pretty sure Dorothy had designs on Hilde but oddly enough it didn’t make me jealous. I’m a secure kind of guy or maybe, the little voice had whispered, maybe you don't really care all that much. It didn't matter how Heero felt, we were friends and no more. Hilde needed to learn to live with it. And I told Heero so.
“Hilde needs to stop listening to Doro and Doro needs to mind her own business.” I replied. I’d feel lots more comfortable with Heero than knowing Dorothy was in the same apartment while I was sleeping. If looks could kill I’d have been dead a long time ago, I was beginning to think Dorothy might not stop at glaring. The girl had a collection of swords and her hobby was fencing.
“Doesn’t Hilde think that Dorothy’s attitude is, well, odd for a roommate?” Heero asked. I didn’t remind him that Dorothy had said the same thing about him. I thought Hilde's problem began before Dorothy moved in.
Hilde had wanted me to move in with her, Hilde wanted to live together or get married; I wasn't ready for that. I'd told her I couldn't abandon Heero, he'd been going through a bad break-up at the time and Hilde had made some rude remarks about Heero. Heero and I had words about his boyfriend at the time, he wasn't good enough for Heero, and I hadn't been shy about saying so. Hilde took offense at that, too. But I couldn't leave Heero on his own when he needed me. He'd been there for me when I was just a stranger who needed a place to stay. Heero had become my friend, my best friend.
She'd apologized, but after Dorothy moved in I found I was rethinking my relationship with Hilde. Being friends had been great, but then Hilde wanted more than I was prepared to give. I blamed it on Relena making me shy of commitment and Hilde blamed it on Heero. Heero was simply the best friend I'd ever had. Hilde didn't seem to understand you didn't just abandon a friend and you did things for your friend when he needed you.
I was determined that Heero's friends would stay with us because I couldn't treat Heero's friends any different than I would treat Howard.
So, I'd won the argument about sharing Heero's room and bed while giving mine to his friends. I seemed to have lost the battle for bed space though. Who knew Heero was a secret cuddler? I lay there with Heero's arms wrapped around me, feeling the warmth of his body against mine, enjoying the comfort of a friend's closeness.
Heero mumbled in his sleep and pulled me closer, more firmly against him, my head resting against his chest. He folded me in his arms and relaxed, and so did I. I knew I should move but I started thinking how different if felt to be held in Heero's arms instead of holding someone. I felt safe, secure, and cared for; that little voice in my head said it was too bad that holding Hilde hadn't made me feel like that. I breathed in the distinct smell of Heero, felt his warmth, and went back to sleep. When I woke up Heero was gone and I missed the warmth and closeness.
[ The End ]
I woke up not to a warm naked body, but a wild eyed Hilde demanding that I "pick one, Duo!"
I rolled out of bed and headed for the kitchen to get some coffee, hopefully it would help me think, Hilde trailing along behind me asking questions and talking non-stop. Waking up with a cuddly Heero was a much better option than waking up to a hysterical Hilde. However Heero was asleep in his own room and Hilde was right here in the kitchen with me.
"Duo, are you paying attention?" Hilde was waving two pieces of paper in front of my face. "It's important Duo, which one?"
Hilde was sounding a little shrill. I'd learned that planning a wedding does that to people. If I never saw another invitation, or color swatch, or was never asked what I thought about the menu for the wedding dinner I would die a happy man. Getting married was a lot of trouble and I wanted no part of it, but it was too late.
Heero was laughing silently as he peered around the door and watched. He looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, his hair was tousled more than usual, and he wore nothing but a pair of pajama bottoms that were hanging dangerously low on his slender hips. I may have been a bit distracted.
"Duo!" Hilde demanded. "You have to help me decide. I'm a desperate woman!"
"Sorry, Hilde." I answered, "I'm not really any good at this, you should ask Heero." Heero smirked at me and disappeared, my last glimpse of him was even more distracting, the pajama pants were succumbing to the pull of gravity.
"It's your job, Duo. You are not taking your responsibility seriously!" Hilde said.
"Hilde, I've picked out colors, looked at flowers, helped you register for gifts, what more do you want?" I asked in an exasperated voice.
"Still love me?" Hilde asked in a little girl voice. Heero, I decided, was a huge coward for leaving me alone with Hilde. He'd say it was the better part of valor, knowing when to make himself scarce.
"Yes," I sighed, touching my forehead to Hilde's in a gesture of surrender. "I still love you. Haven't I proved it with everything I've done?"
"Duo, you'll be there, standing next to me, walking down the aisle with me? I need you, you're my best friend." Hilde whined a little. "You know I'll be there for you." Hilde loved dropping hints but I'd already decided it wasn't something that would ever happen to me.
"Yes, Hilde, I'll be there. I wouldn't abandon you ever, for anything." If Heero had been there he'd have rolled his eyes, but he was very understanding about the whole Hilde/wedding thing. There it was again, I needed Heero's approval, wanted his support and understanding. I needed Heero.
So Hilde was getting married and I, being the best friend, was also the man of honor/giver away of the bride. Now that we weren't dating or involved my relationship with Hilde was a wonderful thing and she was a terrific friend. Except for her impulse to fix me up.
It was worse than blind dates and introducing me to her girl friends. Hilde had decided that I'd already found my one true love and that it was Heero. The fact that Heero was a guy didn't seem to factor into things for Hilde. Of course sometimes I wondered how much it really bothered me.
Take, for example, my morning fascination with Heero's pajama pants and their slow, delicious descent downward. It made me ponder our relationship and just what I needed and wanted from Heero. There was also the case of my favorite pair of jeans, they were old, ripped, faded and so tight that they showed off a great deal of Heero. Sometimes I found myself hoping that today would be the day they lost the battle to stay together. I knew that some people would think I'd stepped across the boundaries of friendship, right into...something more.
Then there's the way Heero acts. Heero is an affectionate guy, with all his friends, an arm around your waist or over your shoulder. Watching movies sitting side by side on the couch or with Heero's feet in my lap is commonplace. Heero hugs his friends when he's happy or when he thinks they need cheering up. Heero kisses me hello and good bye and even though I know how he feels about me, it seems like a natural gesture not some attempt on Heero's part to seduce me. I like it and sometimes I wonder if I don't want it to be more.
When we have overnight guests they take my room and I sleep with Heero, even though I know I'm going to wake up with Heero wrapped around me. When I wake him up he just smiles and hugs me before he rolls away and goes back to sleep. Just like waking up in Heero's bed that first time, it seemed natural and okay not like I'd done something terrible that I should regret.
Okay, I still don't know for sure what happened and Heero just smiles a secret smile guaranteed to make me crazy when I ask. The most he's ever said was that I asked to come home with him, that I was a great kisser, and the enigmatic "nothing happened that you didn't want to happen."
You'd think I'd be happy not to know if we made love that first night, wouldn't you? At the time I thought I was sure we hadn't and thought I was sure I didn't want to know if we had.
Lately, well lately, I've been wondering what it would be like. Heero is my friend, but more than that because suddenly I can't imagine my life without him. And suddenly, I'm thinking about it because Heero has a new boyfriend, someone special and good enough for Heero and obviously in love with Heero. I'm not sure how Heero feels about him, but why wouldn't he be in love with him? After all, he can't wait around forever for someone who can never love him as more than a friend.
So yes, I've been thinking about what all this means. Do I love Heero even though he's a man? The answer to that is yes. Am I in love with Heero, do I want Heero? I think the answer to that is yes, too.
When Hilde finally left I followed Heero into his bedroom. The very distracting pajama pants were lying across his bed and I could hear the sound of the shower running. For some reason the pajama pants weren't nearly as interesting without Heero inside them. The sound of the shower and the thought of Heero sans pajamas, all wet and slick in the shower made me swallow hard. Suddenly I knew I wanted an answer to my question.
The shower cut off and Heero appeared in the doorway with a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked different somehow. It might have been the feral smile that appeared on his face when he saw me standing by his bed considering his pajamas. Heero walked over and stood close enough that I could see small drops of water sliding down his smooth skin, across his chest, and down the flat planes of his stomach.
"Did you want something, Duo?" Heero's voice sounded dark and full of promises.
A faint "yes" was all I could manage and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his mouth as he spoke.
"What did you want?" Heero purred.
"I want to know.." my voice trailed off.
"Know what, Duo?" Heero reached up to trace the line of my jaw with one damp finger, it made me shiver.
"What we did, what happened that first night." I managed to get out.
Heero moved closer yet, his body pressing against mine, his arms encircling me. "I could tell you," He paused. "Or I could show you?" He asked, but we both knew the answer now.
I stopped worrying about Heero's new boyfriend as Heero wrapped his arms around me and his mouth found mine. I suddenly had the answers to lots of my questions. It didn't matter what had happened that first night, all that mattered was that I'd found Heero, and that I planned on ending up in his bed for good. And I planned on remembering everything this time.
You know what? Heero is a pretty good kisser, too.
(end)
